1. There is a need to connect with men. An undeniable, call-of-nature need, to connect with men. It's dictated by my own innate nature - I have the make-up, both physical and emotional, of a man.
2. That need to connect is thwarted in one way or the other - bad experiences with male peers, or our own habits and mannerisms - unmanly, as they call it. I try to reach out for men, but they shut me off, or I shut them off, because there is no commonality of interests - I don't play sports much, I don't like sports much, I don't talk dirty about girls (they're my close friends), I don't walk around rough and all. The need is thwarted. I fail to connect.
3. And yet the need is there, ever-present, undeniably real. Despite my, or society's efforts, to stall it, it refuses to be shelved. It thrashes, fights for its right to be expressed.
4. And my little self finds a unique way to express the need to connect with my male equals, my lost brothers. Secretly, this little self of mine imagines these guys as ideal people, ideal friends, ideal guys, who will connect with me, who will take me as their own despite the apparent lack of common interests. In my mind, these guys are mine. They don't need to be real. They just have to be good enough in my mind. And the need is addressed for a while. I have connected with men, at last, in my own terms.
5. But as I grew up, the sexual libido presented itself as a valid need as well, almost as strong as that innate need to connect with men; it's a call of nature as well, dictated by my designed physiology. Like the call to connect with men, there's absolutely nothing I can do to suppress the sexual self that bursts from within.
6. And as the sexual hunger grew and grew, it found as its object the only item for desire that my mind has secretly cherished for a while now. It found my imaginary male friends and brothers, just there in my unsullied mind, lounging around in innocent friendship with me. The sexual self realized that this is the only feasible sexual object to toy around with. And it is the only object of affection my mind could accept as loveable, desirable; the only object of affection my mind could accept to be intimate with beyond mere companionship.
7. The sexual self used my imaginary brothers for the first time. And it found great pleasure in doing so. It continued to feast on the manliness of my imaginary male friends, as its source of pleasure.
8. And what was supposed to be a single, isolated occasion became an addicting habit. And the habit grew like a cancer, until it developed a life of its own. It started with an innocent need to connect, which was overshadowed by the need for pleasure, and these two natural emotional needs were taken over by an even greater force - the force of a reinforced habitual thing.
9. And the uncontrollable habit became an attitude. And the attitude was internalized, accepted, absorbed by the person. The attitude became the person.
10. I am that person.
0 comments:
Post a Comment