Teenage Dream Part 1

Kakaiba talaga ang allure ng mga teenage muscle guys. Yung 17 or 19 pa lang, may height and masels na maipagmamayabang.

2 years na ko sa pinag-iistayhan ko dito sa isang part ng Makati. On my first few weeks, napansin ko na itong 17 year old boy na laging nakatambay accross the street, naka jersey shorts lang at laging walang pang itaas, may twalya lang sya lagi. He always looked like kagagaling lang nya sa basketball - either nakatsinelas lang sya or naka rubber shoes.

Everything about him is burly - and I liked it. Malaki shoulders nya, mejo may baby fats sa tyan konti, malaki mga binti nya at braso. Kahit nakaupo lang sya from a distance, I desired his calves and thighs - very manly, young and athletic.

We exchanged a couple of glances since then, but nothing serious. And to me, he always looked like just a curious boy, no more.

I've always wanted to get to him. If I had to pay, gagawin ko. Maappeal lang talaga sya. I wasn't obssessed, though. I just loved the idea of getting on with the teenage boy next door.

2 years nakalipas, nothing significant happened. I would see him flaunting his pecs and arms every now and then sa streets, with his natural boyish carelessness, pero hindi naman namamansin.

And then last night...

12 midnight na ko nakauwi. While ringing the doorbell sa apartment namin, he is accross the street, the usual topless with twalya only. Matagal magbukas ang doorman namin, so I took the time to ogle at him. And for the first time, he stared meaningfully back.

Before we could talk or anything, pinagbuksan na ko ng doorman namin. May paglingon pa ko sa kanya, at siya naman, stretched his neck as far as he could to still catch my eye. I knew one thing was sure - tonight, the interest wasn't one-sided.

Umakyat muna ko sa unit ko then went out again. Titigan kung titigan kami. I crossed the street, and for the first time, he smiled at me. Guys like us, we have an eye for other guys - we know whether a guy is cute, hunky, makinis, even from our peripheral vision. And this teenage boy, nabiyayaan sya ng kapogian and a rough manliness.

Ryan daw name nya, and I said I was Dovan. We exchanged numbers, had a little chat about how hot it was, then nagpaaalam na ko na papasok ako. I caressed his back a bit nung nagpaaalam na ko.

Ahhh... The skin of a teenage boy - so young, so sweaty. Hehe.

When I got back sa unit namin, I knew where this would go - magtetext kami, probe what each of us wanted that night, and possibly come to an agreement.

And that night, we did.

to be continued.

the anatomy of my (homo) sexuality

1. There is a need to connect with men. An undeniable, call-of-nature need, to connect with men. It's dictated by my own innate nature - I have the make-up, both physical and emotional, of a man.

2. That need to connect is thwarted in one way or the other - bad experiences with male peers, or our own habits and mannerisms - unmanly, as they call it. I try to reach out for men, but they shut me off, or I shut them off, because there is no commonality of interests - I don't play sports much, I don't like sports much, I don't talk dirty about girls (they're my close friends), I don't walk around rough and all. The need is thwarted. I fail to connect.

3. And yet the need is there, ever-present, undeniably real. Despite my, or society's efforts, to stall it, it refuses to be shelved. It thrashes, fights for its right to be expressed.

4. And my little self finds a unique way to express the need to connect with my male equals, my lost brothers. Secretly, this little self of mine imagines these guys as ideal people, ideal friends, ideal guys, who will connect with me, who will take me as their own despite the apparent lack of common interests. In my mind, these guys are mine. They don't need to be real. They just have to be good enough in my mind. And the need is addressed for a while. I have connected with men, at last, in my own terms.

5. But as I grew up, the sexual libido presented itself as a valid need as well, almost as strong as that innate need to connect with men; it's a call of nature as well, dictated by my designed physiology. Like the call to connect with men, there's absolutely nothing I can do to suppress the sexual self that bursts from within.

6. And as the sexual hunger grew and grew, it found as its object the only item for desire that my mind has secretly cherished for a while now. It found my imaginary male friends and brothers, just there in my unsullied mind, lounging around in innocent friendship with me. The sexual self realized that this is the only feasible sexual object to toy around with. And it is the only object of affection my mind could accept as loveable, desirable; the only object of affection my mind could accept to be intimate with beyond mere companionship.

7. The sexual self used my imaginary brothers for the first time. And it found great pleasure in doing so. It continued to feast on the manliness of my imaginary male friends, as its source of pleasure.

8. And what was supposed to be a single, isolated occasion became an addicting habit. And the habit grew like a cancer, until it developed a life of its own. It started with an innocent need to connect, which was overshadowed by the need for pleasure, and these two natural emotional needs were taken over by an even greater force - the force of a reinforced habitual thing.

9. And the uncontrollable habit became an attitude. And the attitude was internalized, accepted, absorbed by the person. The attitude became the person.

10. I am that person.

Office Affairs

Today, I have seduced another guy in the office, which brings my total to 3 office seductions so far.

I challenged myself on these guys, because they're not the ones you'd expect to respond to sexual advances from a male co-worker. I got tips on-line and have devised my own schemes to get the job done.

I remember my ex telling me that I only went out with him because I had no choice - that no other guy noticed me.

The guys that I have seduced weren't really my spot-on types. They were great guys, and great in bed too, but I wasn't really all over them. Deep down, I just want to prove my ex wrong - I HAVE A CHOICE. I can make other guys chase after me too, I can make other guys like me too, and yes, if I put my mind on it, I can actually hook up with guys I like, whenever, wherever.

I know it's not aligned with my grand goal of healing from a heartbreak. Maybe I just want to make a point.

Lesbian?

I think I may be lesbian.

Watched Black Swan and got turned on by the part where Mila Kunis plays with Natalie Portman's pussy. Lol. So I may not be 100% gay after all. Wehehe....

Sanity Scare

I stuck with my no-masturbation-real-hook-ups-only policy. And at the same time, I stuck with my policy of being a one-man-man for Henry, the guy I'm currently wooing. And at the same time, Henry seems to be sticking with the policy no-sex-before-marriage-if-we-can-help-it. I haven't had sex for over a month, haven't masturbated for over 2 weeks.... And just tonight, I caught myself laughing at something I was thinking about that I instantly forgot.... I was laughing ALONE.... Oh no... Am I losing it? Shit.... Need to get back and be serious about my Operation Hotness....

Happy Valentines!

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! Have been thinking of a good post lately... Might post again soon. Enjoy the day! :)

Si Kuya - Modern Day Knight in Shining Armor

I was in the jeepney kanina (andami ko ng experiences sa jeepney).

Nakaupo ako malapit sa driver. Si kuyang cute, na mukhang may lahing Persian or arabo (think of Kian Kazemi na dating nasa PBB), nasa bandang dulo ng jeep, nagbibiruan kasama tropa nya.

I was ogling at kuya. Cute kasi, gwapo, mukhang malaking tao (and malaking ratbu, it follows, I suppose), straight na straight ang dating, bad boy cap and all.

Then my nadaan kami intersection, mabagal yung usad ng jeep. Napansin ko si Kuya was engrossed watching a scene sa kalye. My dalawang sikyu sa isang building, tapos my batang boy na nagtitinda yata ng sampaguita, tapos parang pinagtitripan nila yung batang boy. And hindi siya magandang trip.

Ginapos nung isang sikyu yung bata. As in, nakaspread-legged na si totoy sa kalye, si kuyang sikyu gapos-gapos si totoy in such a way na hindi makagalaw yung bata. Tapos yung isang kuyang sikyu hinubaran si batang boy. Binaba briefs and shorts ni batang boy, tapos nagfefake ng sexual act! It was really offensive and very inhumane. Gusto kong pag-untugin yung dalawang gago. Totoy was crying na parang sumisigaw. He was around 8 or 9 siguro, and although being a street kid, I know sanay na siya sa mga ganung pagtitrip sa kanya, for me it was still very savage. I don’t know what he did to those guys para ganunin nila siya, but nobody deserved that.

Then si Kuyang kanina ko pa pinagpapantasyahan…

Kuya: Hoy! Mga gago! Putang-ina nyu! (dinuru-duru yung dalawang sikyu, evil stare si Kuyang cute, nagbanta ng kamao sa dalawang sikyu)

Dalawang Sikyu: (binitawan yung totoy, si totoy agad suot ng briefs at shorts. Yung dalawang sikyu natigilan, nagulat na ganun kaviolent yung reaction ni kuyang cute sa ginawa nila)

Kuya: Mga gago kayo ah! Putang-ina nyu!

Andar na ang jeep. Kahit mejo malayo na kami, duru-duro pa din si Kuya. Naka4x na “putang-ina” yata siya. Yung dalawang guards nakatayo lang na parang tuod. Nasindak yata sila kay Kuya.

And right there, nagbago ang pagtingin ko kay Kuya. Hindi na siya sexual object na dapat kung paglaruan sa isip ko. Isa syang matinong tao, na handang pagtanggol ang naaapi. I’ve had similar humiliating experiences with grown men when I was as young as that totoy, pero walang kuya na nagtanggol sa akin gaya ng ginawa ni kuya just now.

Ok, I must admit, I found him even more sexy after that, but I also realized na kung sana, nung bata pa ako, kung meron lang kagaya ni kuya na nagtanggol sa akin nung inaapi ako ng world, isang kuya who became my champion, who stood as my hero,  who came as my knight in shining armor, maybe, just maybe, I would be a better man today…